This is only partly about Disney
(Queue personal musings)
I’ve been thinking a lot about Disney fairy tales and Disney romance. I see a lot of confessions about how Disney gave girls unrealistic expectations of love. I don’t think I have unrealistic expectations as much as I’m not sure what’s right or what it should feel like.
These princesses…they know. They know that they’re in love and he’s the one. It’s simple. Part of me thinks it is that simple. You love someone, they love you, and a happy ending occurs.
The other part of me is sitting here, typing this, agonizing over the fact that yesterday I dumped my boyfriend. My boyfriend that I met online, the one I met at Disneyland, the one where our first date was four days at the Disneyland Resort and him showing me around California. This same man, three weeks later, drove 2,000 miles through snow (that he had never driven in before) to live with me in a place he’d never been to before.
It was as close to a fairy tale as I ever could have imagined. Cut to a year later, and I am so lost. In May, when I graduated, I also lost my art director job. I have been unemployed since and depression is a very slippery slope for me. I have been struggling for months. I started this tumblr as a way for me to channel my energy into something fun (that would also keep me using Photoshop regularly). He and I have been doing different things, he’s been spending time with new friends. I have…wasted away in the past few months. I feel raw most of the time and anxious. So, when we haven’t been spending a lot of time together, I began to lose it. We’ve argued a lot. We’ve talked about how to fix this. But Tuesday, a series of unfortunate circumstances (and a case of a possible bad best friend, it’s still undetermined whether she lied on purpose or by accident) and I thought he was lying to me about where he was. Which, in my shattered head, said he was with a girl. With someone else. I lost it.
I’m not proud of it. I made him leave. I sobbed. He begged me to call his boss to confirm that he had been at work during that time, helping. I did, and he was right. But I was still so mad about every other thing that had been going wrong that I couldn’t make my pride back off. I was hurt, upset, raw, jealous, and I believed the wrong person.
He said we couldn’t keep doing this, breaking up and getting back together. So I didn’t take back what I said, because it wouldn’t make a difference. He’s staying with his friend and they’re going to get an apartment together.
We’re still talking, but it’s strained. I think we’re both trying to find a way to fix this, but part of me feels better than he’s not here. Because I don’t have to worry or wonder. Most of me is terrified that we will never have our happy ending. Because I was stupid and wrong and I couldn’t let go of my pride and I couldn’t keep living miserable.
I know the princess movies are fairy tales and movies aren’t real life, but what do you do when you feel that the happy ending is there, you’re both just too stubborn to reach it?
I am so sorry for dumping this on you all.
